Masking Poor Communication - COM 200

Have you ever gotten an unexpected phone call from a close friend and you said, “Hey, I was just thinking about you or I was just about to call you?” You may have said, “We must be on the same wavelength or you must have read my mind.”

As stated in an article from U.S. News & World Report, 2011, study co-author, Boaz Keysar, calls this occurrence “Closeness Communication Bias,” which means, “People commonly believe that they communicate better with close friends than with strangers.” In circumstances such as the one described above, you may wonder, is it purely a coincidence or do close friends have a perceived sense of insight about one another. Let us look at the study done by Boaz Keysar and Nicholas Epley, professors at the University of Chicago to find out if “Closeness Communication Bias,” is myth or truth.

In the article published by U.S. News & World Report, 2011, titled, “Close Relationships Sometimes Mask Poor Communication,” study co-author Boaz Keysar, a professor in psychology at the University of Chicago, states, “couples often miscommunicate more often than strangers.” Often times, close relationships are built upon commonalities that people share. Close friends may share several things in common such as, they live in the same neighborhood, work for the same company, belong to the same social or civic organization(s) or place of worship, to name a few. 

Most relationships are built upon shared experiences that allow them to think of themselves as very close and in some instances, inseparable.Married couples are thought to be the ultimate in close relationships. Most happily married couples will tell you that they are best friends and understand each other explicitly. However, the experts say, “closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate…and that they may have better communication skills with strangers than with their close friends…,” (U.S. News & World Report, 2011).

As stated in (Sole, 2011), “Interpersonal communication is a lifelong study that requires ongoing practice for everyone. There are five aspects to becoming an effective communicator such as, being a good listener, having people skills, emotional intelligence, appropriate skill selection, and the ability to communicate ethically. These skills combined make us effective and efficient communicators. For instance, when you are speaking to a stranger, you typically have to take time to explain a situation in detail. It requires that you use all five aspects of effective communication as stated above to make your point understood. Whereas; you may not use the five aspects of effective communication when you are talking to a close friend or spouse because you expect them to know you well enough to understand what you are talking about without having to go into great detail.

In other words, we have the tendency to leave out important details because we expect a close friend or spouse to understand us better than a stranger would. This perception or “illusion of insight,” as study co-author Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, states, “Getting close to someone appears to create the illusion of understanding more than actual understanding,” (U.S. News & World Report, 2011). 

I can certainly relate to the couple in the study co-authored by Keysar & Epley from the U.S. News & World Report (2011) article regarding the phrase, “it’s getting hot in here.” For example, as most people are aware, several weeks before Valentine’s Day arrives there are numerous jewelry commercials advertising gift ideas. During that time, I make a point to say to my husband, “Honey, look at that necklace or ring on the screen, I love it!  I would spend countless days leading up to Valentine’s Day so excited thinking about how my husband would have the gift I wanted beautifully wrapped in a box and present it to me at dinner. Well, that never happened for the first five years or so that we have been married. When I asked him why, he replied, “I did not know that you really wanted the gift from the advertisement, you should have told me.” My response to him was, “But, you know me, you know what I like, and I did tell you!” I would get so frustrated and hurt every time.

I decided to talk with my husband and ask him why this same scenario happens on almost every holiday. He said that buying gifts to him is stressful and he also does not like to buy into the media’s suggestion that in order for a man to show his love and appreciation for his wife, he has to buy her gifts. In response, I told him that I enjoy getting gifts on holidays and it means something to me. My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. After the first five years or so of disappointment and in light of our discussion; I decided to fix the problem by purchasing my own gifts and flowers on certain holidays and charge it to him. It seems to be working out beautifully, I am no longer disappointed and he is happy because I am happy. I truly believe that if I had not communicated with my husband about my feelings, and if, I had not taken his response into consideration, we would not have resolved the problem. 

Indeed, close communication bias can hinder couples from communicating effectively. The most important aspect of close relationships is not to lose perspective on the other person’s feelings. It is also important to practice using the five aspects of effective communication throughout your lifetime. One should never overestimate that their partner or close friends can read their mind. Make sure you discuss things that are important to you in a manner that the other person can understand. In other words, do not take it for granted that you are on the same wavelength just because you are married or close friends.

Reference

Sole, K. (2011). Making Connections Understanding Interpersonal Communication. San Diego, California: Bridgepoint Education, Inc.

Close relationships sometimes mask poor communication. (2011, January). U.S. News & World Report, 1. Retrieved from ABI/INFORM Gloval. Document ID: 2270370591.